I’ve told you how I felt. How I don’t feel respected, how I’m very sensitive of the words you speak out. Sometimes, I feel like we’re completely opposite people and I don’t know why we’re together. Shifting from one month to the next.. I’ve seen all the flaws.. but I’m trying my hardest to overlook them. I want to accept you for who you are and not change you. But, it’s hard for me to like you any more if we don’t even communicate.

I know you’re busy. Playing games or something else.. but does it even take that long to reply to a message and hit “send”? Have you considered my feelings at all.. ?

I know I don’t want to seem clingy, but, I don’t even know what’s going on in your life and you don’t know mine. 

It’s like, we carry the label of “being in a relationship,” but it’s nothing more than on/off conversation.

Honestly, compared to your past relationships I don’t see how I spark any interest. I’m boring, I have no special talents, I have many flaws.

*Sigh* I’ve reached the point where I don’t even care anymore because I don’t want to get any of my hopes up. I’ve already been through that, and I’d rather be cold and careless and live my day through as much happiness as possible because I don’t want this frustration to be something that will weigh me down.

I try talking to you. Tell you good morning and good night.. I do, but rarely do I get a quick response. In person, all you do is be mean and make jokes now.. treating me as if I’m one of you guy buddies, not a girlfriend. Callin’ me a bitch, a slut? This isn’t what I want. This is not me. This is not my personality. Sometimes I question myself what am I even doing here.

I don’t remember the last time you’ve been nice to me. It’s like, because we’re already in a relationship, I feel like you don’t even need to try anymore.. this is how I feel. 

I invite you to my friend’s events, and to places.. and sure things are fine. But when was the last time you’ve done anything.. I’ve told you how I felt and now it’s your turn because I’m done trying and really neutral about whatever happens.

You told me I should give you a chance to love me, but.. I see no progression.

I’ll be honest, this is not who I am or what I want to be.. I wish I can just go back to the way things were and just take one step back.. but of course, it’s something that is inevitable, it can’t be escaped from and all I can do is adapt to it.. No matter how much I try, I have to face reality.

I hate the fact that you always ignore the problem, ignore me and then talk to me the next day as if nothing happened.. I mean, what does that even resolve?

I’m honest enough to tell you what I dislike and what I feel bothered, but all that happens is you getting angry, hanging up or not replying to my texts and not giving me a response. Then when it comes down to the next day, you make it seem as if nothing happened.. as if I didn’t even confront to you at all unless I bring it up again.

I want someone who I can talk about life to. To keep me sane and help me open my eyes to a wider and more open perspective. I want a balance of equity, where both of us will get through life together - through struggle, through laughter, through pain, and through happiness.

A best friend, a lover, anyone.

I’m quite passive when it comes down to the possibility of causing a conflict between another person - I dislike bothering people, I prefer neutrality, and I’d rather keep things to myself.. even if it sometimes comes down to getting myself hurt a bit or have me feel uncertainty and discouragement.. I don’t like showing my signs of weakness because.. it already ruined my last ‘relationship’ and now we no longer really talk, and I really don’t want that again.. I don’t want repeats of the past..

I really don’t want to judge nor predict the future.. but during the night is when I can get at my most emotional worst.. but when needed, you’re playing games all night.. game, after game, after game.. and currently, you’re in a game right now (I think) and it’s nearly 2 o’clock in the morning, yet you’re not going to bed.. knowing that we have school tomorrow early in the morning. It makes me so frustrated sometimes.. but whatever, I just don’t really give a fuck right now.

Whenever you lost a game, I tried to make you feel better by offering to play a game with you or cheer you up.

Whenever you felt like crap, I try to make time for you, even when I do have a busy and hectic schedule - whether it’s stopping by your house after school or perhaps making you breakfast the very next day when we go to school together.

Well you know what.. what if I stopped caring. Then what’s going to happen?

Giving is something I enjoy to do, it’s how I show my affection. But even though I try not to expect anything in return, it’s really difficult.. especially when you are in a time of need. It is human nature and based on sociological factors and my own personal sense of being.. I like equality. I like balance. Or else I’ll feel this lack of security and begin doubting myself - in this relationship, in myself, and become lost. And right now, I feel lost..

I never knew how rumors can spread by so fast till today.. I was meaning to have it be a secret.. but no, instead.. I hear it from someone I didn’t even tell.

Maybe I should just keep things to myself next time.

Even if we did come to the conclusion that you’ve developed feelings for another person, I’m still sort of used to talking on the phone with you each night.. For the past couple weeks, I feel like I’ve been the only one making the effort in this somewhat relationship of ours. I’ve been the one to call and the one to IM you to ask how your day was. I’ve had enough of trying and felt hurt to hear such news..

I go through my day just fine, with a smile upon my face, like nothing ever happened.. I feel content and just move on with my day.

During the night though, it’s all I really think about..